Fond Memories......

Yesterday I went to have my pre-testing done for my surgery next week. It just so happens the place that you go for your pre-testing is also the admissions office. This is where I came with the first set of twins that I had and Ella, when were checking in to be induced. The same small room with chairs lined up on every side and in the middle, the small table for children to play and the glass window that a nice lady sits behind to check you in..she can check you in to have what is only described as the miracle of birth, or she can check you in to have what can only be described as the taking of your insides, the insides that make those beautiful babies, the insides that will never be there again to make those beautiful babies, to make those happy families. It was a very sad day for me.

I sat there remembering the day we all came in to that small little waiting area, with the twins it was me and cotton, the twins mommy and daddy, my mom, Kari and Melissa my two good friends. We teased about me having my posse with me. We took pictures of me in a wheel chair before I was wheeled down to Labor and Deliver with the twins mommy and daddy. Big smiles all around!! There are pictures of myself and Paul and Sarah in that small waiting room huge smiles for all of us. We were getting ready to see beautiful babies on those days making families complete!! It all started those days in that small waiting room with the nice lady behind the glass.

I sat there thinking of those days and the day back in February when I had Maslin and Pierre and all the details those days had the smiles the tears the oohhhssss and aaaahhhhsss, the parents and the smiles on their faces the babies in their arms it all came back in a rush. If you know me you know what that brought on.....tears!!

I tried hard to keep them back, I didn't want the nurse to ask me once I was brought back what was wrong, if you know me again you know that wouldn't be good it would just make it worse. I was doing good just a little sniffle here and there a little quick wipe of the eye...i begged her not to ask me what was wrong......she didn't hear that begging in my head...she asked...I mumbled mmmhhhhmmmm she left the room they came full force!! I got up to get a tissue hopefully to clear it up before another nurse came in.

Another nurse came in, she wanted me to sign some paperwork. She said "this is so that you can be listed in the directory if someone comes looking for you while you are here" I wanted to say NO I don't want anyone to find me I want to crawl under the covers and never come out. I don't want anyone to know that I don't feel whole I don't feel....I don't know I don't know how I feel I just feel different. Even now and it hasn't happened yet, I can only guess I will feel the same then. I signed the papers while thinking all of this in my head.

I sent Kari a text telling her I wanted to run, of course she sent me a funny text back saying "don't do that you will pee yourself and everything will fall out" of course that's just what I needed at that time. She always seems to say just what I need her to at every minute that I need it. I guess that's why I love her so much!!

But that's what I wanted to do, I wanted to run and never look back! I don't know what my problem is, I don't let things effect me this bad normally. I usually just let things roll off my back. Sometimes I may be upset for a day or so but not like this. I thought I was doing ok after my one post about the initial feeling of it all hitting me. Then yesterday sitting in that waiting room it all rose up in me again. I hear that this is all normal but I just hate feeling this way. I don't like letting things effect me so much! That's my sister she is the drama queen she is the one that loves attention and dwells on everything. I'm the one that just says deal with it. I'm not overly sympathetic to people which is a HORRIBLE quality I have, I think again back to my sister who is always wanting people to feel sorry for her and poor poor her. That just makes me want to say suck it up and deal!! I normally think this is what I do. With this surgery for me I'm just not sucking it up as I normally do. I'm not dwelling on it I don't think its just effecting differently than what I had expected.

My uterus helped make three families. 6 children!! (including my own wonderful son) Its made so many miracles. Now they are going to suck her out of me (sorry TMI) and throw her in the trash! Just doesn't seem right!!

I came home yesterday with a migraine and laid on the couch from 12:30 - 6 in the dark with ice packs on my head. I don't know what the headache came from but during all three pregnancies I had HORRIBLE migraines I couldn't take what I usually take for them while I was pregnant, I was told yesterday I couldn't take it either until after the surgery because of the asprin in it. So the day ended as it began remembering my fond memories of the days I delivered beautiful children one to make my life happier and more complete and 5 to help other families happy and more complete!!

I just love this blog I feel so much better once I right things out!! Sorry to bore anyone who has come here to read this, its my own personal (yet public) way of dealing with this. So thank you for bearing with me. I promise after my surgery no more hormonal posts about me being sad! Only happy posts about the beautiful children I have in my life!! Blood and Surrogate!! Thanks again!