Having the choice taken from me....

11 years ago I found out I would never have anymore biological children of my own, not by my own choice, but because my future husband had had a vasectomy many years before. My whole life all I wanted to be was a mother, I had wavering dreams of being a teacher, anchor on the 6:00 news or whatever else went through my young head, but what I KNEW for sure I was going to be a mom, a mom of at least three kids. That was my dream my whole life I wanted to be a mom, a mom like mine the best. I remember thinking how I would tell my parents they were going to be grandparents. I remember thinking of the excitement, the shopping for clothes, fixing up the room, I remember wanting it so much.

My dream came true a little earlier than expected and I gave birth to a beautiful, wonderful son in 1994 when I was 17. Although he came earlier than expected I loved him more than anyone could love another, he was my life, my reason for waking up in the morning, my reason for being alive! I love him so much!

Needless to say my dream of the excitement of telling my parents I was pregnant and they were going to be grandparents didn't happen at the age of 16. I have never been more scared in my life. I don't think I was that scared when I went into labor 9 months later. My dream was crushed this wasn't what I had envisioned as the day I got to tell my parents they were going to be grandparents. Although I knew having a child this early was going to be VERY HARD and not what I had planned for my life, I knew I would get through it. I knew I had a great support system and would get through it. And then later on down the road I would have that dream of telling mom and dad they were going to be grandparents, I knew I would marry some day and would have that dream.

When Kristopher was 3 I started dating my now husband, he is allot older than me but someone that loved me and my son as his own. He treated me like nobody else ever had, he's wonderful. I found out after we had been dating awhile that he had had a vasectomy, I remember that day like it was yesterday, the dreams again were taken, I knew I was going to marry this man some day and I knew then I would never have another child. Yes I know there are ways it can be done, but nothing that worked for us. I knew that day my dreams of telling my parents that I was pregnant, the thrill and excitement of shopping for clothes, picking out a pattern for the nursery, the thrill of feeling a baby growing inside me it was all gone. It was devastating in that one moment my dreams were gone. Cotton didn't understand at the time what was wrong with me why was I crying, sobbing uncontrollabley. I tried to explain, but you know men! I could never explain how I felt, how the life had just been completely sucked out of me at that very moment.

Fast forward about 5 years after we were married the thought of surrogacy creeped into my head. In a way I knew what these couples were feeling, they were unable to have a child the dreams I had were taken from them as well (I think every woman has the same dreams I did of telling the grandparents, shopping, setting up the nursery, feeling the baby kick etc...) although not for the same reasons, in a way I knew what it was like not to have any more children. Although I was blessed to have experienced a child of my own. I knew the heartache of not being able to have a child, but also the joy and thrill of having a child.

I researched surrogacy for a LONG time, I approached my husband about this, but he was really not to sure about it. I dropped the subject for about a year and the whole time it was always pulling on my heart strings. I did more research and printed lots of stuff off including a letter from a husband of a Surrogate that explained how he had been really reluctant of his wife doing this, but then how once he gave in what a blessing it was. Cotton read all this and we talked allot about it and I KNEW this was something I HAD to do. I couldn't have anymore children of my own, but I COULD help someone else have children of their own. I couldn't deny someone of having the joy I have with my child. I wanted EVERYONE to have that.

So in 2003 I became a Surrogate for the very first time. I again did it in 2005 and then again in 2007. It was one of the most rewarding experience other than being a mother myself that I have ever experienced. Although I was unable to have children of my own, I was able to use my body, my uterus along with God's help, give life to another family. I was able to experience some of those dreams I had as a child, just a little differently than I had dreamed. I had the excitement of telling 2 people they were going to be PARENTS, in one situation I even got to tell the grandma she was going to be a grandma (another dream being fulfilled) I got to shop, not for my own child, but still I got to shop for a baby (or 2) I got to see the nursery's being done, I got to feel a baby growing inside me, again not my own, but a baby was being formed and created in my womb, a true miracle. A dream come true again. Something I had never dreamed before, the thrill of watching a mom and dad hold their baby that they had dreamed of for many many years. If you have never been in a room to experience this you will never know the thrill it is to know you have made someone else's dreams come true. To me that is more satisfying then my own dreams coming true. My heart beats faster just thinking of it.

So all my dreams that I mentioned have come true in life, I had a child I am a mom. I gave life to 6 children I made others dreams come true something I had never imagined I could do many years ago. I felt the kicks of a baby, I had the excitement of letting parents and grandparents know that we were pregnant, I got to shop (maybe more than I should have) :-) I experienced it ALL. The verse in the bible that says that God has a reason for everything even if we don't understand it at the moment has been very important and something that I truly have understood in my life. That day 11 years ago when I felt the life being sucked out of me, at that time I questioned why would this happen, how could I never be a mother again?? I know now, I know that the experience of being a Surrogate was something far more thrilling to me, far more fulfilling than having anymore children of my own. I never thought I would say that 11 years ago, it was all I dreamed of, but now at this point in my life, I can say that I am 100% sure that this is what God had planned for my life. He knew why he took that option away from me of having my own children. He knew he had a purpose for me, I have fulfilled that purpose.

I have said all this to say I knew I was done having children obviously for myself, and for others. Even though it still tugs at my heartstrings every time I hear of someone suffering through infertility, I want to help, I want to say I will carry your child, I have a great uterus it gets pregnant every time! :-) But I don't I know in my head I'm done. This week the option of changing my mind and helping again was taken from me. I am having a hysterectomy on July 22nd. Due to the 6 children the 4 pregnancies I have worn out my insides. I thought I was fine, I knew I wasn't having anymore children, but today it kinda hit me that, even if I wanted to change my mind I couldn't. My thrill and excitement of telling someone they are going to be parents, or grandparents, feeling a child being formed inside me, the unbelievable thrill of watching a family see their baby for the very first time is gone. Never again will I experience that.

Does anyone else have this feeling? You KNOW you are done having children, but still the thought of having your "women" parts taken from you is just......I don't know what else to use but sad. Am I odd for feeling this way? I knew I was done, I don't need my rock star uterus (as it has been called by drs and others LOL) anymore. Its served its purpose, but I'm still sad.

I'm sure this will pass and I will be fine, but I just had to write all my feelings down so I could look back and laugh at myself for all these silly feelings I have now. I would love to hear if anyone else has these same feelings when they hear they have to have a hysterectomy or if I am the only crazy gal out here.

Sorry this has been so long, but thanks for reading and suffering through my emotional break down!